This book was actually somewhat interesting. I was rather dreading having to read it but it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t finish though. Anyway I marked a couple spots that I felt rather personal about and whatnot so here is what I found and felt.
-Subjective Knowledge: The Quest for Self: I think I’ve been in this stage for a long time. Or rather I oscillate in and out of it. Sometimes I have a strong hold grasp on who I am and what I want out of life but then seemingly within minutes something happens, somebody throws a wrench in the machinery and what I’ve been holding onto turns into smoke; there’s nothing left in my hands and I have no idea who I am and what I want anymore. Take for instance the other day. I had just about decided that I wanted to transfer to UNL for their larger music program and then maybe going to UW for grad school. I was feeling pretty confident about this. I had things figured out and was feeling good about being able to spend time with my aunt and uncle in Lincoln. Then I went to my orchestra audition and she talked to me about just going to a bigger summer camp to get that experience and see what competition is out there as opposed to the little one I went to this summer (and absolutely loved.) Suddenly I had more options: I could go to a larger camp in the summer for THAT experience and stay at my small liberal arts school (which I do love most days) for THIS experience. Or I could go to my little camp and transfer to a big school or, or, or… And suddenly I feel like I’m back to the beginning and thinking if I transfer I won’t even go to UNL. It’s so much to deal with when I still have everything to deal with here at school.
This stage also made me think of the book/movie Eat, Pray, Love, which I absolutely loved. I’ve talked to a lot of people who hated it and I guess it’s because they aren’t in this stage. They don’t get the need to drop everything, leave everyone behind, make your own way in the world and just live for yourself. They thought it was a terrible plot because this woman was so selfish and only thinking about herself. But really she was only trying to find who she was. She woke up one day and realized she didn’t know who she was anymore and needed to find out. I would love to be able to do that and I guess I sort of have. I left everything and everyone I know and love back home and moved 1500 miles away to go to school. I realized I needed to do it for my own sanity, to make my own way without comfort as a crutch. I’ve never been a very selfish person and I decided I needed to give myself this one thing. Of course here I am now and while I’ve figured some things out others aren’t as clear as I’d like them to be, ya know? Maybe not. I don’t think I’m making sense anymore. Whatever.
-Self-Extraction: Something I have trouble with. I get emotionally wrapped up in things most of the time, especially when it come to books. When reading I am right there standing next to the main character seeing what they see, hearing what they hear, feeling what they feel. I get so sucked in that it becomes hard to distinguish where this character stops and I begin and it’s hard for me to come up from air while reading. I get very disoriented and confused with the read world I suddenly find myself in. But I feel with things I don’t get so emotionally involved in I don’t care about them. It isn’t important to me. Like Daphne said, writing papers about things I don’t care about turns them into crap, mindless writing from whatever side shows me the most reasons to be sided with to make it easier to write for that side.
I have a hard time trusting my so-called gut. I over think absolutely everything and question whenever my gut tries to tell me something.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m sick and in a bit of a haze but I figured I had to write before I forgot to write and what I was going to write about (which I did anyway.)
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