Bursting

I'm currently listening to Hilary Duff, because it's Valentine's weekend and (once again) I'm single as single can get (whose idea was it to go to a school that's only 30% male while a large gay population and any straight single guys smoke...seriously, whose idea?!?!) and 1500 miles away from my family and best friends and Hilary Duff makes me feel like an angst filled 13 year old again. Plus, there's the fact that she's just one of my musical guilty pleasure (along with Demi Lavato-I'm basically still 13 at heart I think). But, anyways, that is not the point of this.

Sometimes (especially lately) I get this feeling deep inside me like I'm going to explode or something; like there's just too much inside of me. I'm bursting at the seams and there's nothing I can do about it. I just want to take a knife and slice myself open, sternum to bellybutton, and let everything out, let it all fall out. Or maybe I could just stick my finger down my throat and throw up everything: all the emotions I can't show, all the pressure, all the sadness and worry. I just want everything I can't normally get out exposed, so everyone can see what's going on inside me and just to get it OUT. I just want to get it out there somehow because I don't talk about it. I can't talk about it. But instead I'm just standing there and I can hardly move because I'm busting and it's all I can do not to start tearing my flesh so everything can escape and I can be free. I can move again. And maybe with everything out in the open people will understand, they'll know. They can just look at everything laying on the concrete at my feet and I won't have to explain and stumble around looking for the right words to say, because goodness knows I'll never be able to get everything, or anything out, on my own.

Whatever.

My Imaginary Boyfriend Says Hi

I have this problem (other than the fact that I'm narrating this whole sordid mess as if I'm in an episode of My So-Called Life, since all I've done all weekend is watch old episodes on hulu). I ready...a lot, and I grew up watching Disney movies. This doesn't seem like a problem, but it is, trust me. It's given me a couple things I don't need. One, it's given me high expectations when it comes to love: chivalry, the girl and guy end up together, love comes easy, etc... And two, I have a very very active imagination.

I was doing fine with all this until He came along. He is my new neighbor and He went home this past weekend so we still haven't gotten to know each other so very well as I know all my other neighbors. And this has caused a problem. This has cause me to start making things up (again). I always do. I see a boy, he sparks my interest, I know him a little (or even not at all), and my imagination makes up the rest. I always make them perfect and every situation is perfect and we get to know each other and we end up falling in love and it's...well...perfect. But then I actually start to get to know them and first it's awkward because I've imagine so many intimate encounters that I think we're already incredibly close when we're not. And then I get to actually know him and he isn't nearly as perfect as I pretended and I realize I don't actually like him, I like what I pretended was him and he hurts me without even realizing what he's done.

In this case, with Neighbor, it's the first one (so far). In my head we've already gone through the awkward bathroom run-ins and late night hall chats and eating dinner together and going for late night walks and falling asleep together and him consoling me while I'm home sick. But none of that has happened. I know very little about him, but it feels like I know more (facebook stalking helps...or rather doesn't help...). So when I talk to him I think I'm talking to an old friend and I act that way, but in reality I know pretty much nothing and he just thinks I'm a lunatic. But I can't just turn off my imagination, I'm stuck with it and my lunacy. help me?

Home Sick to My Stomach

First, I'm home sick something terrible. I enjoy it here, I really do, but sometimes I just want to cuddle with my mom. Yes, I'm 19, but I have no problem in admitting that. And, well, right now I just want to be with my mom and I want to be able to unload everything I'm about to say here to her, but I can't do either of those things. We don't quite have that relationship yet. We're still working our way out of the bitchy tween/early teens and mad busy teens year. I want my mom.

Second, I lost just about my entire life in a snow storm. Went for a romp and now my driver's license, cash, debit card, keys, college ID/key to get in my dorm building/meal ticket are all gone plus two gift cards. All of it is laying somewhere out there on campus in the middle of blizzard and I have no hope of getting any of it back until the snow melts and who knows when that will be. No time soon. I've never wanted snow gone so fast in my life. MY ENTIRE LIFE IS GONE!!! All I have left are my phone and my computer and neither of them will feed me or get me into my dorm. I'm screwed. I'm sooooo screwed. And after searching everywhere I went outside in the freezing cold I'm just now warming back up over 2 hours later. My cheeks were swollen they were so cold.

And on top of that, I'm trying to decide if I want to be a music major or not. I really want to. Music is one of the only things I've ever been passionate about in my life. But I don't know if I have the balls to do it, the dedication and I don't want to spend my life living in a cardboard box. My heart says "DO IT!!!!" and my head is saying "really, now let's be logical about this. How are you going to make a living off of THAT?" I'm good, I don't admit it often, I don't brag about it, but I am. I'm just unfocused (especially recently). I need help and I don't know where to go for it. I might as well be in middle school for all I'm feeling and it sucks. I didn't like middle school, I didn't like high school either. I'd rather be here, in the present, but emotionally I'm 14 again but with ADD this time. HELP ME PLEASE!!!