I'm breaking. I'm hurting. I'm confused and I can't make any sense of my life. I'm depressed, possibly the real deal. The "I need drugs to make this better because there is something chemically WRONG WITH ME" depressed. It hurts. I have no motivation. I can barely get out of bed. I only pull myself together and spend time with friends so they don't think there's something wrong with me because I'm too damn stubborn to admit to them, to myself, that there's SOMETHING WRONG! I don't want to be That Girl: the one with The Problem, the Depressed Girl, the Bipolar Girl. Because these days most people think that just means you want attention. But isn't it obvious that I don't want the attention?! If I wanted the attention I'd be spilling all this to my roommate or my best friend back home or one of my friends here. Instead I'm sitting at my desk wiping tears from my eyes, holding back sobs so my neighbors won't hear, telling this to...nobody. Just getting out without it being in a public way. Oh...wait...this is the internet. But I'm pretty confident that this blog is so far buried that nobody will ever find and my silent pleas for help will continue to go unheard. God, I'm so fucked up. Despite falling apart almost on a daily basis I continue to trick myself into thinking I'm strong enough, still have it together enough that I don't need help, that I can get through is my own way. But I don't know if I can anymore, it's been going on too long and I don't know how to ask for help. I'm afraid to ask for help. I can't ask for help.
except...
HELP!!!!
